i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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