Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
