If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
