I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize