I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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