Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Randomize
