Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You are the jesus of drinking
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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