i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize