I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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