I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
