made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Randomize
