As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
