Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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