If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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