Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
