I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
