I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
