before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
