Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
