Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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