i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
