Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
