The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
