I looked at my own cervix.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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