A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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