At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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