So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize