HIV tests are more positive than that guy
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
