Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
