It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize