I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
