so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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