If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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