the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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