update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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