My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
