I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I want to fling myself into the sun
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
