My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
