i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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