I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
