I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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