I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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