at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
