And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
