I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
from now on my penis is your penis
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
