I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize