My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
