it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
