I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
