it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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