Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
