I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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