Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
