You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
