I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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