What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
