You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Your tits are I can't wait for
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Drunk is not a location!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
