tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
